Let Them Eat Lotus
By Andrew Corkin
While Mitch Albom can steer you to the “Five People You Meet In Heaven,” in Mike White’s delightfully barbed satire, THE WHITE LOTUS, we’re provided a rare glimpse of three types of investors an indie producer might court in the real world (hopefully at a 5-star resort in Maui). So, in the event that you, ever-opportunistic and keen indie film producer, were to cross paths at the swim-up bar or holistic spa with one of these investor archetypes, here’s what you should know…
The Philanthropist
She might not be able to give you a clear sense of the origin of her money, but the heiress Tanya McQuoid, whom Jennifer Coolidge perfectly embodies, certainly likes to donate and spend it. Her bleeding heart is almost as big as her trust. She will listen to any pitch as long as you convey a sense of passion – from healthcare to social justice or arts to education. She’ll lead you on for a long time, claiming to respond to your aura, and say that she is open to financing your project in full. That is until she blindsides you, putting that same money into Aaron Sorkin or Lee Daniel’s next “indie” at 2.5% of the budget with a co-executive producer credit to show for it.
Why She Want to Invest in Film
“I’m interested in supporting art that can affect change in the world. I only want to support projects from emerging filmmakers and historically disadvantaged people.”
Why She Actually Wants to Invest in Film
“I’m interested in supporting art that can affect change in the world, according to the nice people at (insert any of the four major agencies). I only want to support projects from emerging filmmakers and historically disadvantaged people, if they’ve attached A-list talent.”
Drink of Choice
Although, “that’s a lot of sugar,” a Piña Colada (made with Appleton Estate – you’ll impress her when you let her know it’s made in Jamaica by the first female master blender in Jamaica).
THE BRO
That guy. You don’t want to be that guy, but that’s precisely who Shane Patton is… that guy. Having gone to prep school in New England, I know that guy. From the Cornell hat to the pastel polos, Jake Lacy pitch-perfectly channeled all my suppressed worst high school memories of the BMW-driving, lacrosse-playing, “do you know who my father is”-exclaiming bros whose entitlement obviously was genetically inherited from their venture capital or real estate magnate parents. The Bro will make sure that if he has an opinion it is heard and if you can’t hear him yell it, then you’ll certainly hear him when the CFO of his family office or his father yells it for him.
Why He Wants to Invest in Film
“When I saw WOLF OF WALL STREET, I knew I wanted to make art. I’m a cinephile. Scorsese, Tarantino… I’ve seen them all. I’m looking to make films that play the festival circuit where they can build buzz and get people talking.”
Why He Actually Wants to Invest in Film
“When I saw Margot Robbie in WOLF OF WALL STREET, I knew I wanted to buy my way into the business to be around beautiful people. I’m looking to make films that get me to Sundance where the film can build enough buzz to get me invited to WME’s chalet to schmooze with actresses.”
Drink of Choice
High-end scotch (Laphroaig, Macallan, or Johnnie Black if he’s trying to seem down to earth) neat or with one rock. Though after a few of those, if he’s liking what you’re pitching, you might be sharing Fireball or Pickeback shots.
THE SHARK
While the Bro’s sense of accomplishment has only been achieved through familial osmosis, the Shark will never let you doubt that she clawed her way up, without any such safety net, to build her success. Connie Britton’s alpha Nicole Mossbacher, the CFO of Poof (a fictional amalgamation of Goop meets Alphabet or Facebook) can put up with a lot if she chooses, as her fragile work/life balance is demonstrated on the show. Her time is precious. While she might tell you she’s interested in film, good luck getting her on the phone or to answer an email. Her interests in film might seem philanthropic to some degree, but make no mistake, there will be no punches pulled when you see her term sheet.
Why She Wants to Invest in Film
“I recognize that film is a much more unstable investment than what I’m used to, but I’m looking for a project that is at the intersection of art and commerce.”
(Even better if the filmmaker is from a disenfranchised community to score brownie points with her claims-to-be-woke teenager)
Why She Actually Want to Invest in Film
“I recognize that film is a much more unstable investment than what I’m used to because the traditional film equity investor deal is not aggressive enough to validate putting my money at risk. The only way my commerce will intersect with your art is if all the upside lies with me.”
Drink of Choice
For business: Sipping tequila or mezcal (Casa Dragones or Del Maguey).
For pleasure: White wine spritzer, a Californian Sauvignon Blanc with an animal in the name, Duckhorn or Stag’s Leap will do the trick. But don’t expect her to drink too much – she hates losing control.
Now that the veneer has been wiped away of their true desires, go forth dear producers! Seek out that money from these Lotus Eaters and hopefully, if the series has taught us anything, it’s that they might not really miss it.
Andrew D Corkin is an LA-based (by way of Boston and New York) producer whose films include MARTHA MARCY MAY MARLENE, WE ARE WHAT WE ARE, and A VIGILANTE. His latest film, LAKEWOOD, starring Naomi Watts, will premiere at Toronto next month.
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